God gave me you

This is for someone very special to me... you know who you are.

I know this distance is hard and we struggle at times. Probably more me than you, my stupid emotions. HA!
But I want you to know that I'm willing to do anything to make this work. You mean the world to me, you are not only my best friend that I tell everything to but you are also the man that I love.
I know not living in the same town right now is difficult but I think we are doing a pretty good job at it. Every chance I get I come down there. Even if its just for the night. I would walk all the way there just to see you. It may take me a few days but I'd do it. Every minute I get to spend with you when I visit is worth the wait. I know that I've been crazy emotional lately, and I'm sorry but I'm a girl, what do you expect?
There are so many things I love about you and I could just go on and on.
You have been there for me through so much (you know what I mean) and you still are to this day.
You can read me like a book, which is amazing because you get me to talk about the things that I don't want to talk about but I know and you know I need to talk about.
Without you I'd be an even more emotional wreck. HA
You know just when to hug me and when to kiss me softly, or when to just touch my back softly letting me know that you're by my side, or grabbing my hand when I'm taking the deep breath to calm myself down telling me it'll be okay.
When I'm with you I  feel safe, loved, home.
I love you and I am willing to do anything to make this work.

This song makes me think of you every time I hear it. It is so true.

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you
Gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
And I’ll be the flattered fool
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you. 

I pray every night for God to give us both strength, peace and comfort.
I love you!

Thank you

So I was going to write a blog about how much I HATE you.
But instead I'm going to thank you.

Thank you for showing me that I deserve better.
Thank you for showing me that you never really loved me or cared for me, allowing me the chance to find someone who does.

Thank you for making it so easy to get over you!

I've never been happier.

Now to the good stuff! : )

Things have been going great lately. Everything is starting to fall right into place.

It's amazing what a lot of patience and trust in God can get you.

I'm blessed with an amazing family, and support system.
I don't know what I would do with out them.

I've started dating someone, Vince. And it's going great. It's so easy to talk to him and I just feel so relaxed and safe around him. I haven't been this happy in a long time.

I got a new job. I'm working for Lee (my step dad) as his receptionist. I absolutely love it.
Its Monday Thur Friday normal hours. I get my weekends free to do as I wish. I'll finally be able to go to Huntington when my dads in town, to my nephews t-ball and soccer games, to birthday parties and family gatherings. I'll get to go out with friends on weekends and to go Purdue to see Vince. I finally get to have a life. : )

My family is growing and growing and I just love it!
Two of my beautiful sisters had baby girls recently.

Baby Marina Renee Garrison

and

Baby Madilyn Marie Crone

What can I say, I'm a proud Auntie!

Well that's it for now. I'm sure I'll have more later.

Don't I always : )

why?

I've been struggling lately.. not because Josh broke up with me because I honestly could care less about that. I just don't understand why I lost the baby.
Every time I think about it now I start to cry.

I've been holding it in.
I don't want to seem weak.
I don't want to cry and have people think it's because I miss Josh because I don't.

I just want answers.
I want to know why.
I want to know if ill ever be able to have a child.
I want to know if having this miscarriage will prevent me from having another child.
I'm scared.
I feel alone.

I know I'm not alone, I'm surrounded by an amazing family and friends.
I just feel like I'm alone.

Then when I see my friends with their children or that they are expecting it makes me sad because that was supposed to be me too. And it's not anymore.

I'm afraid it never will be.

I don't want a child right now. I want to wait till I'm married and I'm with the right man now.

But it is just hard knowing that I lost a baby, that I lost my child, that I lost a part of me.
And I don't know why.
I don't understand.

Happiness!

I am poud to say that I'm happy!

I'm surrounded by amazing family and friends and I'm reconnecting with people that I once let go.
My life couldn't be any better.
For the past week I have done nothing but smile. And everyone around me can see how happy I truly am.
I truly believe that everything that has happened to me the past month or so happpened for a reason and it was a part of God's plan for me.
I went to Church on Sunday for Easter and the message was amazing it was like he was speaking right to me. That instead of running away from your problems run to God, trust in God. And I do. And from now on I am.
I now completely understand why and have no questions as to why.
I now know that I wasn't meant to carry that baby to full term because I wasn't meant to have a baby with Josh and that I wasn't meant to be with Josh because it wasn't real.
I also know that one day when I have met the right man and marry the right man that God will give me a baby to carry to full term. When the time is right, in his plan for me.
Me miscarrying had nothing to do with me or anything I did. It just wasnt the right time.

I am at peace with everything now. And I regret nothing. I wouldnt be as strong as I am today if this didnt happen to me.

I'm getting stronger and stronger everyday!

I love my life again and it feels amazing!

I'm so thankful for the people in my life who surround me and support me.
I dont know what I would do without them.

Thank you to everyone, you know who you are!

Love you all!

"Consider what I say, for the Lord will give you understanding in everything." 2 Timothy 2:7

Out with the old, In with the new! : )

This past month has probably been the hardest  time of my life. I found out I was pregnant on my 21st birthday and two weeks later I found out I had miscarried. I ask myself all the time why me? Why did this have to happen to me. But I also believe that God has a plan for every one and that this was all apart of his plan for me. The day after I miscarried Josh broke up with me. I was devastated, first I have to deal with losing a baby then losing the person I love as well. Family members and friends told me to not go back to him but I didnt listen. I went back. And like always about a week later he broke up with me again.

This time it is for good! I should of left it alone when he broke up with me the day after I miscarried. If he really loved me he would've stayed by my side and been there for me every second. but instead he bailed and left me when I was going through one of the hardest things I will ever have to go through. And he wasnt there for me. And from that I realize he didnt really love me.

I've learned my lesson and will never go back. It's whats best for the both of us. I deserve to have someone who truely loves me and will stick by my side when I need him most and love me for every little bit of me. And he deserves someone too. To be happy. And with someone who he truely loves.

This song by Sara Evans has helped me so much. I listen to it atleast once a day.


Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
thank you Sara Evans for writing it.

its true to my story word for word and has helped me so much.

Tomorrow i have the day off from school and work and I'm cleaning everything out. Boxing up pictures, gifts everything from him and closing that chapter of my life and starting over. It will be a while til I'm able to trust someone completely but I know one day I will find that guy who truly loves me and will be by my side through think and thin. Every thing will be okay and I'm getting stronger and stronger ever minute.

It's time to go out with the old and in with the new.
Start fresh.
I deserve to be truly happy and loved and one day I will be!

Angry

My anger comes from my Dad.
I just have so many questions that im afraid to ask. I used to talk about it to someone and I got the courage to write him a letter but I was too scared to mail it to him. And still to this day im afraid to confront him. Heres the letter.

Dear Dad,

I'm not exactly sure where to start but I have a few questions for you that I need you to answer. I've been struggling to get up the courage to write to you for a very long time.
First off I want to know why...
Why did you and mom get a divorce?
I really need to clear my conscience as to why you would want to give up on your marriage and your two very young children. I was 2 1/2, Amy was 9 months, how does this happen?
Was there someone else?
There were a lot of rumors flying and I just need to know the truth.
help me understand.

I feel like I havn't had a Dad.
When you lived in Huntington and Amy and I would visit every other weekend and you would bring us home. Every time you'd leave I'd cry...
I'd stand behind the front door and look out the side window and watch you walk to the car and back out and I'd cry. I wouldn't wash my baby blanket for weeks because it still smelled like your house.
and I can still remember to this day when you told us you were moving to Missouri, it was the worst day ever I knew that I wouldn't see you as much and our relationship was going to weaken even more.
The anger I had towards you I took out on Lee for no reason. I blamed him for why you weren't here. I hated him because I thought he was trying ot replace you. When he really wasn't I hated him for years for no reason.
I feel like ever since you moved to Missouri there had been this huge void in my life, I really have needed you. I just wanted my Dad I feel you have tried to replace us and totally have started a whole new life with the move to Missouri. That your life now revoles only around Michelle, Audra and your job. I know you love me but I don't just want money and things when I call I want to be able to talk to you Dad. To know that you're willing to listen and just be there for me. I feel like you've forgotten about us.
I need my dad.
I watch a Dad from my church baptize his daughter and all I could do was cry and wish we had that relationship togehter.
I push away guys who remind me of you, who make me think of you because when I do I hurt inside because I don't want to have a good relationship with them if I cant have one with you.
it makes me hurt when I think about how you didnt get to experience all the big events in my life.
like my first sleep over, first boyfriend, all my first days of school, first dance, highschool choir concerts, prom, chior award ceremony, vocal contest, getting my acceptance letter to IUSB, the day I got my drivers license, my first day of college, and more.you werent here to yell at the boys who hurt me and brought me home late. or to ask them the 20 questions before our 1st date.
I just wish you didn't miss out on so much
and it hurts me to know that you did
I just want to know why, so that I can be at peace and move on.
so I can have that relationship with you.
I love you Dad and I always will. I just need help understanding.
I am looking forward to spending that one one one time with you.

I love you,

Sarah.